No Refuge

RAMBLING ALERT:

There comes a point in every person’s life when they must come to terms with the fact that depending on another human being is never the answer.

While doing a poetry unit with my students, I had them make a list called “10 Things I Should Have Learned By Now.” I got this idea from a poetry teacher who was sharing some tips and advice to teachers on a Ted Talk. As I was reading through my students’ lists, there was one recurring theme and that was the idea of dependance. Why is it that we know that we are unable to trust our fellow human beings farther than we can throw them and yet we continue to entrust one another with our thoughts, ideas, and ultimately our hearts?

As a teacher, it’s become increasingly aware that I cannot depend on my students for much, though they depend on me without a moment’s hesitation. They are quick to let me know when I’ve failed to meet their expectations of what I should be doing or how quickly I should be assessing their work. This idea of dependence covers more than just my career, though. I have always been an independent person, a free thinker, and a get it done kind of girl. However, as time has progressed, I’ve allowed myself to entrust people with a lot. Looking back, it appears that all I have done is set myself up for disappointment and a world of heart break.

Growing up, I quickly learned that it truly is a “dog eat dog world” and that people really are just plain selfish. I am no different. We do whatever it is that we do, whether or not it benefits others, based on our own passions and drives rather than considering the greater good or the greatest need.

I’m not entirely sure where I planned on going with this post or what it is that I’m trying to say, but I am trying to work through all of these things in my mind. I have learned that at the end of the day when I’m at my lowest point the love of Jesus Christ is the only constant in my life.

Without this unfailing love, there is no way that I would be alive today. On Sunday, our preacher read Psalm 142 and I immediately began to cry. While my “hardship” doesn’t even begin to compare with the situation that David found himself in, I can not help but think that in some small way this Psalm was written for me. For this moment in my life. So, in some ways I’ve begun to depend on David for advice and words of wisdom in coping with this battle I’m currently fighting.

Psalm 142

I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

I cry to you, LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”

Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

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