I’ve never enjoyed not knowing. It drives the obsessive compulsive nature in me crazy. Not knowing also equates to not being in control-yet another thing I strongly abhor. However, at this point in my life, I’m plagued with unanswered questions and doubts about the future. I’ve found myself on edge and apprehensive about everything lately because the road which lies ahead of me is more unknown and vague than its ever been in my entire life. Nothing is certain and I don’t think that I’m okay with that yet. I don’t know if I’ll get the job at Signal Mountain. I don’t even know that I’ll get a job in the state of Tennessee. In fact, there is no guarantee that I’ll get a job at all. All I do know in my heart is that I’ve put my best foot forward and that in the end, God’s will will be done. As I search for peace during this time, I am again reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 [referenced in Post 8].
“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” –Jeremiah 29:11 [NIV]
I must hold fast to this and cling to it if I am to remain sane during these last five months in college. Loman has reminded me many times that this time will fly by and yet, I can’t seem to manage to fully understand that. Even my mom has constantly pleaded with me to enjoy the time that I have left in school with my friends, my classmates, and my colleagues. I’ve been in Milledgeville for almost five years now and the thought of leaving the place where I’ve made lifelong friends, grown and developed as a person, and spent so much of my life breaks my heart. Milledgeville feels like more of a home to me than Snellville at times and I can’t imagine my life without that place, the people, and the way of life I’ve become so accustomed to.
There are times when I wish with every fiber of my being that I could postpone putting my “big girl pants” on; there are more times however, that I spend dreaming of my future–as a teacher and inspiration to my students, an AOII, a member of the Chattanooga Junior League, an active member of the Brainerd Baptist Church Community, and a wife to the love of my life. So often, I want to fast forward time and yet I hear my mother’s pleading for me to enjoy a life free of even more responsibility which inevitably lies in the future.
I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as coincidence. While the next couple of months will certainly be quite the adventure, I intend to enjoy every moment. As I left home, Miranda Lambert’s ‘The House that Built Me’ was the first song that came on shuffle. The moment I entered the city of Chattanooga, Carrie Underwood’s ‘Mama’s Song’ came on. If that isn’t precious and just a hint of promise for the future, then I don’t know what is. 🙂